The AirGun Guild

General Category => The Garage => Topic started by: rsterne on March 11, 2016, 01:45:13 PM

Title: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: rsterne on March 11, 2016, 01:45:13 PM
*DRILL PRESS:* A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

*WIRE WHEEL:* Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!"

*SKIL SAW:* A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

*PLIERS:* Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

*BELT SANDER:* An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

*HACKSAW:* One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

*VISE-GRIPS:* Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

*OXYACETYLENE TORCH:* Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing.

*TABLE SAW:* A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

*HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:* Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

*BAND SAW:* A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

*TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:* A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:* Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

*STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:* A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

*PRY BAR:* A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

*HOSE CUTTER:* A tool used to make hoses too short.

*HAMMER:* Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

*UTILITY KNIFE:* Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

*SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:* (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Stay safe Out There!

I think this is a much needed sticky....  ::)

Bob
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: rocker1 on March 11, 2016, 01:52:40 PM
 Good one Bob, especially that last one.  David
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: Dcorvino on March 11, 2016, 02:09:30 PM
Thank you Bob
My tool box is complete

Dave
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: oldpro on March 11, 2016, 05:32:52 PM
 I was laughing so hard after the first 6 I had to stop my eyes were watering Ill get back to the rest shortly.
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: oldpro on March 11, 2016, 05:36:00 PM
Holy crap Im laughing so hard best thing ive read in a long time. sad thing is I literally have done all those things some on the same day :-\
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: sixshootertexan on March 11, 2016, 05:52:22 PM
LOL that's funny. I will admit I've experienced each and every one of these and have the scars and missing finger tips to go with it.
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: int3man on March 11, 2016, 06:03:48 PM
I saw one a customers shop that worked on Spitfires, and Triumphs and the like.  It showed all the fuses used in British cars and progressed up through the amperage s until it got to the 125 AMP  "SLOW-BLOW" 1/4-20 1 inch bolt.  Now that was funny.


You know why the British drink warm beer don't you.

Because they have Lucas refrigerators.
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: rsterne on March 11, 2016, 07:37:56 PM
This message was brought to you by Lucas, Prince of Darkness....  :o

Bob
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: Habanero69er on March 12, 2016, 06:43:33 AM
If you do electrical work, your slotted screwdriver is for both turning/stripping screw & a chisel. Your lineman's pliers are grabbing things & are used as a hammer.   ???
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: mangerover on March 12, 2016, 09:02:31 AM
easy on the prince I have a good bad thing going with him
(http://i1072.photobucket.com/albums/w369/mangerover/land%20rover%20001_zpsuu21eyte.jpg) (http://s1072.photobucket.com/user/mangerover/media/land%20rover%20001_zpsuu21eyte.jpg.html)
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: int3man on March 12, 2016, 11:07:41 AM
easy on the prince I have a good bad thing going with him
(http://i1072.photobucket.com/albums/w369/mangerover/land%20rover%20001_zpsuu21eyte.jpg) (http://s1072.photobucket.com/user/mangerover/media/land%20rover%20001_zpsuu21eyte.jpg.html)
You know why the Lucas factory closes at 3:00 in the afternoon don't you. 

It's so the employee's don't have to drive home in the dark!

Michael  :- )
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: mangerover on March 12, 2016, 11:39:51 AM
that,s why you let you're daughter date a guy with a landrover 8)
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: caniborrowsomeammo on March 12, 2016, 12:33:24 PM
easy on the prince I have a good bad thing going with him
(http://i1072.photobucket.com/albums/w369/mangerover/land%20rover%20001_zpsuu21eyte.jpg) (http://s1072.photobucket.com/user/mangerover/media/land%20rover%20001_zpsuu21eyte.jpg.html)

Looks like you'll be busy for a few years, if not the rest of your life ;D
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: Truckr6969 on March 12, 2016, 12:59:53 PM
That's some funny stuff Bob
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: wilsonj1018 on April 25, 2016, 01:56:04 PM
i im in pain, reading this was likely the best thing ive experienced in a week or more. i can relate to every single one of those, some more times than i can count.. thanks Bob
Josh
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: mobilemail on April 25, 2016, 04:53:08 PM
ehhhhh....

you lost me after hammer.....
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: marty2 on April 26, 2016, 02:25:16 AM
Thanks Bob. LMAO ... I needed a good laugh. I can definitely associate with all the tools that you have posted but one. I think I'll see if anyone I know has a Band Saw. :o
Now I need to clean the coffee out of my keyboard.
Title: Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
Post by: Madmullet on December 22, 2016, 05:14:13 AM
You forgot the "Square" its the Triangle or "L" shaped thingy that is used only when others are looking to keep up the appearances that you know what you are doing.

Another good on is the Bucket of Sparks   That is what the shop dummy has been looking for in the shop for at least 2 week now since you told him that how the welder works.