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Author Topic: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*  (Read 2242 times)

rsterne

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*TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« on: March 11, 2016, 01:45:13 PM »
*DRILL PRESS:* A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

*WIRE WHEEL:* Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!"

*SKIL SAW:* A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

*PLIERS:* Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

*BELT SANDER:* An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

*HACKSAW:* One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

*VISE-GRIPS:* Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

*OXYACETYLENE TORCH:* Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing.

*TABLE SAW:* A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

*HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:* Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

*BAND SAW:* A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

*TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:* A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:* Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

*STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:* A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

*PRY BAR:* A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

*HOSE CUTTER:* A tool used to make hoses too short.

*HAMMER:* Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

*UTILITY KNIFE:* Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

*SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:* (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Stay safe Out There!

I think this is a much needed sticky....  ::)

Bob


  • Coalmont, BC

rocker1

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Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2016, 01:52:40 PM »
 Good one Bob, especially that last one.  David

Dcorvino

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Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2016, 02:09:30 PM »
Thank you Bob
My tool box is complete

Dave

oldpro

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Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2016, 05:32:52 PM »
 I was laughing so hard after the first 6 I had to stop my eyes were watering Ill get back to the rest shortly.
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oldpro

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Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2016, 05:36:00 PM »
Holy crap Im laughing so hard best thing ive read in a long time. sad thing is I literally have done all those things some on the same day :-\
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sixshootertexan

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Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2016, 05:52:22 PM »
LOL that's funny. I will admit I've experienced each and every one of these and have the scars and missing finger tips to go with it.
« Last Edit: March 11, 2016, 08:45:00 PM by sixshootertexan »
CCS 2300, CCS 2400, Custom Built Regulated .25, Custom Built PRod Clone, .308 Bullet shooter, XS46U .177

int3man

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Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2016, 06:03:48 PM »
I saw one a customers shop that worked on Spitfires, and Triumphs and the like.  It showed all the fuses used in British cars and progressed up through the amperage s until it got to the 125 AMP  "SLOW-BLOW" 1/4-20 1 inch bolt.  Now that was funny.


You know why the British drink warm beer don't you.

Because they have Lucas refrigerators.
« Last Edit: March 11, 2016, 07:50:10 PM by int3man »
  • Central California
WAR .22 PRod
WAR .25 Marauder
Broadening my Horizions
.22 Brocock Super 6 XL
.25 BSA Scorpion Huma Reg.
.25 Air Arms Extra FAC

WAR .22 Marauder, Huma, LW Hammer,  Rapid 70 Bull  Stolen
Flex .30  Stolen

Yes I still have an ICQ Number.  Raise your hand if you do.

rsterne

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Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2016, 07:37:56 PM »
This message was brought to you by Lucas, Prince of Darkness....  :o

Bob
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Habanero69er

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Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« Reply #8 on: March 12, 2016, 06:43:33 AM »
If you do electrical work, your slotted screwdriver is for both turning/stripping screw & a chisel. Your lineman's pliers are grabbing things & are used as a hammer.   ???
Dave
Ormond by the Sea, Florida USA

mangerover

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Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« Reply #9 on: March 12, 2016, 09:02:31 AM »
easy on the prince I have a good bad thing going with him

int3man

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Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2016, 11:07:41 AM »
easy on the prince I have a good bad thing going with him

You know why the Lucas factory closes at 3:00 in the afternoon don't you. 

It's so the employee's don't have to drive home in the dark!

Michael  :- )
  • Central California
WAR .22 PRod
WAR .25 Marauder
Broadening my Horizions
.22 Brocock Super 6 XL
.25 BSA Scorpion Huma Reg.
.25 Air Arms Extra FAC

WAR .22 Marauder, Huma, LW Hammer,  Rapid 70 Bull  Stolen
Flex .30  Stolen

Yes I still have an ICQ Number.  Raise your hand if you do.

mangerover

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Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« Reply #11 on: March 12, 2016, 11:39:51 AM »
that,s why you let you're daughter date a guy with a landrover 8)

caniborrowsomeammo

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Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2016, 12:33:24 PM »
easy on the prince I have a good bad thing going with him


Looks like you'll be busy for a few years, if not the rest of your life ;D
Buncha BB guns that I don't get to shoot as much as I like.

Truckr6969

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Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« Reply #13 on: March 12, 2016, 12:59:53 PM »
That's some funny stuff Bob
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wilsonj1018

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Re: *TOOLS EXPLAINED*
« Reply #14 on: April 25, 2016, 01:56:04 PM »
i im in pain, reading this was likely the best thing ive experienced in a week or more. i can relate to every single one of those, some more times than i can count.. thanks Bob
Josh
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